it’s time to abandon the responsibilities of school and jobs and move into a Scottish castle to live as hermit witches.
Author: Jesse
the kind of witch i want to be: aesthetic grimoire, shelves full of crystals and potions, a walking encyclopedia of witchcraft
the kind of witch i am: hehe hey guys look at this meme
I am 100% convinced that “exit, pursued by a bear” is a reference to some popular 1590s meme that we’ll never be able to understand because that one play is the only surviving example of it.
Your players are faced with an ancient Sumerian curse! However, since the early ancient Sumerian language was only used for recording tax debts, it turns out to actually be an ancient Sumerian bill.
and therefore they need to get hold of some ancient Sumerian coinage and bring it to the ruins of the ancient Sumerian tax office, because the Sumerians had a pleasingly direct way of preventing tax evasion, namely horrifying curses.
well I don’t have any coin but I have these copper ingots, lovely copper ingots, from a very reputable merchant, never heard a word said against him, very thorough with his paperwork, anyway they’re guaranteed pure copper and proper weight, so can I pay my tax with those?
I just want everyone to take a step back for a second and really think about how we’re using the most powerful knowledge tool in history to make jokes about a specific dude who lived almost 4000 years ago.
it’s fuckin wonderful, is what it is.
Ea-nasir has been dead for 4700 fraudy fraudy years.
I can’t tell y’all as a person who studies Sumeria and knew about him before it was cool how fucking weird it is that Ea-Nasir is now a meme.
The Gods as John Mulaney Jokes
Zeus: My dad pulled into the drive thru and ordered one black coffee for himself.
Hera: I would always think to my self “how could a person kill someone?” How could a person murder another person? And then I got cheated on, and I was like “Oh Okay.”
Poseidon: Ah! One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet! And when one feels like a duck one is happy!
Demeter: When I got busted with a one-hitter at a Rusted Root concert I did not serve hard time. I think I got an award.
Ares: He’s not gonna know how to fight back with two little sneakers coming at him! Street smarts!
Athena: College is just your opinion. It’s just raising your hand and being like “I think Emily Dickinson is a lesbian” and it’s like, partial credit.
Apollo: The juke box was three plays for a dollar, so we put in seven dollars and selected 21 plays of Tom Jones’s “What’s New Pussycat”
Artemis: Sometimes babies will point at me, and I don’t care for that shit at all.
Aphrodite: Eighth graders will get to the thing that you don’t like about you. They’ll be like “ha ha ha ha! ha ha ha ha! Look at that high-waisted man he got feminine hips!”
Hephaestus: If you’re an adult male who sees no flaws in his father, you’re an insane person.
Hermes: Some people give off a vibe right away just like “do not fuck with me.” My vibe is more like “hey you could pour soup in my lap and I’d probably apologize to you.”
Dionysus: “Is this whisky or perfume.” I grabbed it, drank all of it. And said “It’s perfume.” And it was.
Hades: I married my wife. I love saying my wife. It sounds so adult. “That’s my wife!” It’s great, you sound like a person. Being married is so nice, I never knew relationships were suppose to make you feel good about yourself.
Hestia: In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.
Why does John Mulaney talk like he’s Starting Each Word With A Capital Letter
“Eye of newt, and toe of frog,
Wool of bat, and tongue of dog,
Adder’s fork, and blind-worm’s sting,
Lizard’s leg, and owlet’s wing,—
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and caldron bubble.”-William Shakespeare
Shakespeare, but every instance of “alas” has been replaced with “aw shit”
“Aw shit, poor Yorick!”
-Hamlet, Act 5 Scene 1
“Aw shit, that love, so gentle in his view,
Should be so tyrannous and rough in proof!“
-Romeo & Juliet, Act 1 Scene 1
“O, no! Aw shit, I rather hate myself
For hateful deeds committed by myself.”
-Richard III, Act 5 Scene 3
“Aw shit, poor country, almost afraid to know itself! It cannot be called our mother, but our grave.”
Macbeth, Act 4 Scene 3
macbeth: Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.no fear shakespeare: Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed
Yeah, I love Shakespeare! A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Hamlet, Macbeth and *looks at smudged writing on hand* Romero and Janet
Nim The Witch 